I need to get married. I need to get married because as I was washing my dishes, I noticed how beat up my pots and pans are getting (I like to cook. A lot). So, where does one get new (good quality) pots and pans? Wedding gifts.
As I continued to wash my now even more beat up pans (I was really scrubbing the hell out of my favorite one by this point) – I followed this ridiculous train of thought. Seriously, as insane as 2020 has been, it’s still 2020 and I can buy my own damn cookware. And the good kind too.
So, why don’t I? My immediate sassy pants response from my brain is “because I want a new deck of Tarot or Oracle cards more”. This is true, but a $20 deck of cards would hardly keep me from purchasing much more expensive cookware – it’s not a one or the other kind of thing. Especially when I hit up the Hay House super duper sale and get my deck for $5… So… what’s the problem? And then my brain slipped up and blurted out the truth – because a $100 pan is a commitment.
Then the memories start flipping across my consciousness… the readers and healers and friends telling me in various ways over the years that my “block” is me not making a commitment. Me pulling an Archangel Michael card – “Make a commitment”…
I actually tried to argue with him. I make commitments!! I’m a Capricorn! I’m one of the most loyal and dependable people I know! I’m committed to working hard, to improving myself, to ever growing and evolving as a person, always striving to better myself. That’s life-long commitment!
What I love most about Michael is that he’s direct, and he’s not wrong. He just sits back and smiles while I have my mental tantrum and waits while I work this out. And I start to see…
I went to college, got a degree in theater. I loved working in theater – I loved that no two days were the same, the unique problem solving, the creative challenges both on stage and behind the scenes. I loved making magic happen with gaffer tape. I also loved that every three months, it would all change. I wasn’t going to commit to 30 years working on the same show, with the same people, performing for the same audiences in the same city. I worked in regional theater, no desire to work on Broadway where there was no telling how long a show would last, what if it lasted for YEARS?!? I had embarked on a career that allowed me to avoid commitment.
Then my sisters were having babies and it was getting harder and harder to leave my family to return to NYC and my ever less fulfilling career. So, I moved home. Even now my brain is like – hey, yeah THAT’S commitment. Giving up your career, not because you have to, but because you choose to. To return to family. Yes, that was a commitment, but not the scary kind. OK, it was scary, but it was also the right decision. I worked various jobs, all of which I knew I would not retire from. None of them were a long-term commitment. Neither were they a waste of time, I want to point out that every moment of this journey has been on a road of self-discovery that has led me here. There are no mistakes, I have no regrets. Even now, I have a part-time job that I love and that lets me commit more time to my clients and business. I work with incredible people and in the best environment for an organization that has an amazing culture. I am learning so much about running a business with integrity and compassion. And even with this blessing of a job – I know it is not long term. I don’t know how many years I will be there, but I know it will not be forever.
Make a commitment.
Two years ago, the message was all about taking the leap. I’m fairly good at taking leaps – signing on for shows or even entire seasons with theaters without knowing much about them or the city I would be moving to, leaving a career without knowing what the hell I was going to do now, diving in without really knowing how it would work out. It didn’t matter that I had no clue what I was doing, just take the leap. OK, so I took the leap. I filed my DBA and suddenly I own a business.
Fairly quickly, it turned out that I had clients! And I am dedicated to serving my clients to the best of my ability, I love them very much. Even as my business evolves into whatever it’s going to be, I will continue to see these clients for as long as they’ll allow me.
Now, here is where it gets dicey and Michael narrows his eyes as he watches me wade these waters. He doesn’t miss a thing, this one. He knows we’re approaching the underwater cliff I’ve been skirting around and avoiding in this particular mind sea.
I don’t know what my business will evolve into. I was ok with that for two years, because while I didn’t know, I didn’t have to commit. I didn’t have to commit to whatever it is my purpose in this life really is as long as it lay in the future and not in this moment. I was free to float along, working with my lovely clients, gaining more folks in my schedule, learning from every experience.
Here’s my holdup – I’m a Capricorn (as I’ve mentioned). I look at the big picture. I look at where we are and where we want to be, and I figure out how to get us there. There’s probably a significant amount of color coding involved as well, but I digress.
I don’t know what the final tableau of my business will look like. I don’t know what the next picture will look like. I am sure I’ll have enough evolutions to fill a large picture book. But for now, I’m learning that I need to just take the next step. This is how I work with my clients – guess I should start listening to myself better.
The next step is Phoenix Moon Rising retreats (as I wrote about in my last blog post). Yes, let’s launch retreats during a pandemic. Brilliant. But here we are.
Michael hands me some scuba gear and tells me to keep going.
Take the leap.
Make a commitment.
OK, I have announced that I will be holding retreats but have yet to commit to one by actually setting a date. I’ve been so caught up in trying to bring the big picture into focus, that I haven’t been taking action.
So, next step. Make a commitment.
If you have questions or would like to be the first to know when information is available, feel free to email me.
So, there it is. My commitment to you and to the next step. Phoenix Moon Rising (and the ten million ideas that come with it) has been in the works for the past year, and I really am excited to finally be moving forward with it.
Michael pats me on the back and tells me to keep the gear – I’ll be needing it. This is just the beginning.
Many many blessings, my friends.